Hello man, Luke Skyscraper here filling in for Nick Shatt who has mysteriously disappeared in my bathroom … again.
Now then we all know that body piercing has boomed a lot in recent years. And with such vast quantities of metal scurrying and zooming around the planet, scientists rightly feared a shift in the earth’s magnetic field. Would Dennis Rodman become true magnetic north?
But I’m here to tell you tonight, it has turned out these fears were not only groundless, they were downright trivial and piddley compared to what really happened.
You might have noticed yesterday that fleet of alien flying saucers that entered the earth’s atmosphere. Turns out that rather than zapping us with ray guns they decided to use psychological warfare on us, to demoralize us before taking away our planet.
So their first order of business was to remove all celebrities, pop stars, actors, actresses, sports personalities, TV stars, and the like. Without our entertainers they reckoned we’d all become depressed, bored, and demoralized. Without our celebrities to distract us we’d be as easy to round up as sheep. Once we were all safely in pens, then they’d zap us with their ray guns.
But how did they gather all these celebrities together, I hear you ask. Well, their plan was both fiendish and simple. They bathed the earth with super powerful alien magnetism. They super magnetized celebrity body piercings all over the world and suddenly stars started being whisked out of limos, dragged through the front windows of exclusive restaurants, plucked off stages, out of TV studios and film lots, off the turf of sports arenas, to streak up and off across the skies until they slammed together in easy to harvest clumps.
And that exactly what these alien fiends did, they fired up their alien tractors and went a-harvesting.
They gathered up little tangled clumps like Janet Jackson, Victoria Beckham, and Miley Cyrus who were all stuck belly to belly.
They fished up giant starfishes such as Christinia Aguleria clit to clit with Lady Gaga who was pussy to pussy with Paris Hilton.
Five part harmonies must have proved particularly difficult for Axl Rose, Tommy Lee, Bjork, Lil Kim, Pink, and Britney Spears who were all suddenly stuck firmly tongue to tongue, and consequently as easy for the aliens to pick up as a six pack on a Saturday night in Arkansas.
And every punk star from the 70’s through the 80’s from Duran Duran to The Sex Pistols, from The Police to Motorhead were all stuck firmly ear to ear in a gigantic clump several miles across floating somewhere off the coast of Ibiza. It was the biggest reunion since G8!
Beyonce, Lindsay Lohan, and Lenny Kravitz were all stuck to each other nipples, and were also apparently trying to form a supergroup before the aliens harvested them. Mind you, Sony and EMI still managed to get some recordings on itunes even if they do sound like death screams over a rap beat. But that’s never stopped EMI or Sony in the past has it. No.
For some mysterious reason I seem to have been spared the cull of the famous and pierced. Perhaps it’s because I only have the one earring. And I only sold 5 CDs last year. Anyway, there you go, them’s the breaks, eh Sting.
And now a hush has fallen over the land. Now there are no more celebrities. The world is a grey and silent place. So I suppose I’ll have to watch some re-runs on TV then, but suddenly I feel, I don’t know, very depressed, man. Tarra. Possibly forever … or even sooner.