After a quick bathroom break, award-whining journalist, Nick Shatt, continues his exclusive interview with legend in his own panties, Luke Skyscraper. Shatt is three time consecutive winner of The Golden Turd, awarded by the British Union of Music Writers And Notable Kritics, and wrote for many years for top music papers, No Musical Excuse and Medley Marker.
NICK SHATT: Right, we’re back from the break, talking with legend in his own vomit, Luke Skyscraper.
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Fuck me Nick, you took your time. Someone in the toilet, was there? Or are you a bit blocked up?
NICK SHATT: Er, no.
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: ‘Cos if you are, well there’s always prune juice, that works. Only natural to get constipated when you’re addicted to pain killers.
NICK SHATT: Look I’m not blocked up and I’m not addicted to pain killers
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Oh. So it’s the nasal passages that are blocked. Well just find someone with no airborne diseases and have them blow the coke into your lungs. Works a fuckin’ treat. So I’m told.
NICK SHATT:(sniff): Look (sniff) I don’t … (sniff) do cocaine, okay. (sniff)
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Or know anyone with no airborne diseases eh? Well, you can always use one of those cans of compressed air you use to clean the cake crumbs out your keyboard.
NICK SHATT: Can we get back to the interview?
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Always worked for me. Except that time I shot the little red straw down my throat and swallowed it. That was interesting a couple of days later. Like giving birth to a submarine, that was.
NICK SHATT: What? Look, Can we get back to talking about your recent marriage.
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: What? Married, me? No, I don’t think so. I think that was just some publicity stunt rumor thing started by my new management company.
NICK SHATT: Isn’t it true your new management company is Datawhore Nippon Inc?
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Well, yeah, least that’s what my new tattoo says. Look.
NICK SHATT: That’s a bar code.
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Is it? No. Really? Here maybe that’s why old David Brewery was saying I’d sold out. The freak eyed old bicycle got the hump cos I wouldn’t agree to do one of those Save The Third World For Me charity singles. Y’know, do they know they’re ni-
NICK SHATT: Quite! But isn’t this a picture of you and Angelica Jollies coming out of a Chelsea registry office holding each other up and waving a marriage certificate?
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: What, no look Nick man you got it all wrong. That was a dog licence.
NICK SHATT: A dog licence?
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Yeah man,see me and old Ange we adopted an Afghan hound.
NICK SHATT: An Afghan hound?
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Too right me old son. It was a refugee dog and all. From the war. That dog was fleeing the Taliban.
NICK SHATT: Fleeing the Taliban?
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Yes. Look Nick will you for fuck sakes stop repeating the last three words I say as a bleedin’ question. Getting right on my tits it is. This pooch was fleeing the Taliban on account of it had been “fleaing” the Taliban. Get it?
NICK SHATT: Yes. Hilarious. So you’re not worried about a fatwah.
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Well I don’t like to boast Nick but my penis is quite thick. Besides I do believe it ain’t the meat it’s the motion.
NICK SHATT: No, not a fat one, a fatwah, a death threat from the Taliban.
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Look, I never did understand why everyone is so scared about a minor character from Shakespeare’s The Tempest.
NICK SHATT: What?! No, no that’s Caliban. He’s a monster.
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: There you go again with how big his willie is. I reckon he must have an inferiorty complex, always going on about it like that.
NICK SHATT: Look, will you please listen, you ignorant brain dead Brummie git, it’s the Taliban we’re talking about, NOT sodding Caliban.
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Here, who are you calling a Brummie? And another thing I never did understand why the USA would declare war on him. Surely it would have been a lot easier not to mention cheaper to phone up that Mr Prospero. He did a pretty good job dealing with Taliban last time. Least in the film I saw, he did.
(to be continued…)