Award-winning journalist, Nick Shatt, has agreed to conduct an exclusive interview with legend in his own panties, Luke Skyscraper. Shatt is three time consecutive winner of The Golden Turd, awarded by the British Union of Music Writers And Notable Kritics. Shatt wrote for many years for top music paper, No Musical Excuse. He claims to have invented puke rock, named his socks Sid and Vicious, and was once thrown off London Bridge by enraged manager and president of Floppy Records, Jack Costa Brava, following his particularly vicious review of Abbot Presley’s new album, Armed Farces.
NICK SHATT: About your last album
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Hello man. Yeah. What was it called again?
NICK SHATT: I Cum In Peas
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Oh yeah. It did quite well. I think.
NICK SHATT: It was universally condemned as disgusting and trite. Medley Marker called it, and I quote: “garbage from start to excruciating finish”
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Melody Marker? Do me a tangerine. What the fuck do they know about music? Besides, trite and disgusting have always worked for me in the past, man. What you might call a winning formula.
NICK SHATT: Yeah. Well, let’s take a look at the cover. If we can.
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Sold a couple million. (frowns) Er, …didn’t it?
NICK SHATT: No, it didn’t. Look about the cover …
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: What? Oh yeah, it was a plea for … well, no it was more a cry against the, er …
NICK SHATT: You had your dick stuck in a can of peas.
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Yeah, but they were mushy. At least by the time we finished the photo shoot they were, eh.
NICK SHATT: Caused quite a stir.
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Ha! Yeah, stir, nice one. Whirled peas, eh?
NICK SHATT: I hear there were death threats made against you.
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Yeah, well there were rumors that The Greengrocers Association had taken a contract out on me
NICK SHATT: The Avacados. Not a family to trifle with.
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Yeah well they might have a reputation for being a bit thick skinned but believe me under their mushy interior they have a heart of stone.
NICK SHATT: And that’s a good thing?
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: I dunno man. Look you’re ‘sposed to be the writer. I just play guitar and sing like an angle.
NICK SHATT: An angle?
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Angel. Big bugger with wings, y’know?
NICK SHATT: Word is they’re still planning on whacking you. Especially after you put out that single.
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Single?
NICK SHATT: Er …Mafia Fags?
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Yeah, no, I mean that’s just a misunderstanding, that is. See I got sponsored by that Morris Phillips, y’know the tobacco company.
NICK SHATT: Phillip Morris
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Yeah, them. Anyway I was paid a lot of money for that song. Plus a couple of warehouses full of menthol 100s. I was gonna be like the poster boy for a new campaign. Like that Joe Cool camel. See they wanted me help them to tap into the gay organized crime market. Apparently none of that lot smoke. They showed me a chart or graph or something. Now they’ve got China and India all puffing away, the funny boy cosy nostril is a huge new potential market. I worked on that song a long time man.
NICK SHATT: It sounds like a lot of coughing with pigs squealing over a disco beat.
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Sweated blood over that I did. Put my heart and soul into it didn’t I. A good 10 minutes a day for oh … about a day.
NICK SHATT: Okay, let’s leave that for the moment if we can. I have to take a quick, er, break and um, go to the little journalists room. But when I come back I’d like to talk about your recent marriage.
LUKE SKYSCRAPER: Alright Prick. No rush. I’ll just do a couple of lines of blow while you’re gone. Here you couldn’t lend us a credit card could you? No? Well in that case, hurry back. Chop chop.
(to be continued…)